Relationships/Recommended Books

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The Evolution of the Human Brain

The Biology of Transcendence: A Blueprint of the Human Spirit, by Joseph Chilton Pearce (2002), begins with an excellent 70-page presentation of the triune brain.

"Natural vs. Sexual Selection" is largely from The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature, by Geoffrey F. Miller (2000).

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How Women Select Men

"How Women Select Men" and "How Men Select Women" are largely from Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, by David M. Buss (1999). It's a college textbook but not dry or boring. The writing is clear and easier to read than the "bestsellers." Topics include human survival in nature, men's and women's mating strategies, parenting and kinship, altruism, cooperation, aggression, conflict, and social dominance.

For more about emotions, start with Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman (1994). You'll learn how to improve your ability to use a range of emotions. You'll also learn to appreciate different emotional styles in other people. Then read The Relationship Cure, by John Gottman (2001), to improve your skills at recognizing and responding to emotional messages; and The Emotional Revolution, by Norman E. Rosenthal (2002), for the latest neuroscientific discoveries and treatments of emotional disorders, including depression, anxiety, and anger.

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How Men Select Women

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How Our Ancestors Lived

This chapter is largely from Women in Prehistory, by Margaret Ehrenberg (1989). The book focuses on women and their relationships with men in Paleolithic (hunter-gatherer) and Neolithic (early agricultural) societies.

I also recommend Humans: An Introduction to Four-Field Anthropology, by Alice B. Kehoe (1998). This easy-to-read textbook covers the evolution of primates and humans; the Paleolithic, Neolithic, and beginnings of civilization; linguistics; cultural ecology; economics; social organization; and religion.

I don't recommend The Chalice and the Blade, by Riane Eisler (1988). For a critique of Eisler's "gynocentric" hypothesis, read The Myth of Matriarchal Prehistory: Why an Invented Past Won't Give Women a Future, by Cynthia Eller (2000).

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Monogamy and Polygamy

Women of Principle: Female Networking in Contemporary Mormon Polygyny, by Janet Bennion (1998), quoted on pages 39, 40, and 41, is a fascinating study of women in a Montana polygynist community.

The section about Christian polygyny was from After Polygamy Was Made a Sin: The Social History of Christian Polygamy, by John Cairncross (1974).

Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, by Robert Michael, John Gagnon, Edward Laumann, and Gina Bari Kolata (1994), presents the only statistically accurate survey of intimate relationships. The survey included how couples met, how many partners individuals had, sexual practices, and risk factors for STDs. The surprises were not in what Americans do-the large majority of Americans are in traditional relationships-but in the contrast between media messages (e.g., Sex and the City) and reality.

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Hormones

This chapter is from An Introduction to Behavioral Endocrinology, by Randy Nelson (2000), Sexual Pharmacology: Drugs That Affect Sexual Function, by Theresa Crenshaw and James Goldberg (1996), and Queer Science: The Use and Abuse of Research on Homosexuality, by Simon Le Vay (1996).

Communication Styles

This chapter is largely from You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by Deborah Tannen (1990).

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Adolescence - Seeking Romantic Love

Iron John, by Robert Bly (1990), Women Who Run with the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1993), and Men and the Water of Life, by Michael Meade (1992), show the life stages men and women go through, and their relationships in each life stage, as symbolized in folktales.

For more about developing awareness of hidden elements of your personality, read Romancing the Shadow edited by Connie Zweig and Steve Wolf (1996). The chapter about romantic partners shows how a projected ideal shatters, and how couples can pick up the pieces and use the experience to grow. Another chapter discusses how the negative qualities of each Greek god and goddess archetype sabotage relationships.

Three Black Skirts: All You Need to Survive, by Anna Johnson (1998) and The Go-Girl Guide: Surviving Your 20s With Savvy, Soul, and Style, by Julia Bourland (2000) are advice books for twenty-something women. The Go-Girl Guide has better relationship advice, but a 23-year-old told me that Three Black Skirts has better fashion advice. Both provide good advice about careers and finances.

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Flirting

For more about flirting, see Secrets of Sexual Body Language, by Martin Lloyd-Elliott (1995). This book is beautiful, well-written, and well-produced. Every page has color photographs, of great-looking men and women. Twelve chapters cover everything from personal space zones to eye movements to how to kiss. The chapter on peek-a-boo is especially good.

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Personal Ads

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Dating

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Sex

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Becoming a Couple

For more about switching gender roles in dating, read Getting to "I Do," by Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon (1994). The authors believe that relationships work when one partner uses masculine behavior and the other partner uses feminine behavior. A man and a woman may take either role, but a relationship breaks down when both individuals use masculine behavior (resulting in competition), or both use feminine behavior (needing, but not getting, emotional support).

A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage, by Judith Sills (1987), is the best book I've read about the transition from dating to committed relationships. The book also discusses the coded communication of flirtation, moving from dating to seduction, negotiation to work out problems, and commitment to marriage.

Why Do Fools Fall in Love: Experiencing the Magic, Mystery, and Meaning of Successful Relationships, edited by Janice R. Levine and Howard Markman (2000), is about the transition from loving your projected ideal to loving your real partner.

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Conflict in Relationships

How to Love a Woman: On Intimacy and the Erotic Life of Women, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés (1993), would be better titled "The Birth-Death-Rebirth Cycle of Intimate Relationships." Relationships start with high expectations. Sooner or later, scary, ugly, disturbing things happen. Expect this cycle. Staying emotionally committed through crises leads to a deeper relationship.

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Emotional Control Systems

The emotional control systems are from Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions, by Jaak Panksepp (1999). Goddesses in Everywoman (1984) and Gods in Everyman (1989), both by Jean Shinoda Bolen, present the Greek gods and goddesses as personality types. Each god or goddess has a 25- to 30-page chapter presenting mythology, the archetype in contemporary society, and the personality type from childhood through old age, including marriage and sex. Each chapter also identifies psychological difficulties associated with each archetype, and ways to grow to overcome these difficulties.

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Poseidon-Athena

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Apollo-Artemis

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Hermes-Hestia

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Dionysus-Demeter

For more about the relationship between the New Testament and older Dionysus myths, see The Jesus Mysteries, by Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy (1999).

For more about Osho, see Golden Guru: The Strange Journey of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, by James S. Gordon (1987).

Hades-Persephone

For more about Persephone behavior, including passivity and self-destructive behavior stages, see The Wonder of Girls, by Michael Gurian (2002). Gurian's The Wonder of Boys (1997) is also worth reading.

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Relationships
About This Book · Q&A · Recommended Books
The Science: The Evolution of the Human Brain · How Women Select Men · How Men Select Women · How Our Ancestors Lived · Monogamy and Polygamy · Hormones · Communication Styles
Life Stages: Childhood—Seeking Unconditional Love · Adolescence—Seeking Romantic Love · Adulthood—Families And Forgiveness · Agape—Altruistic Love
Practical Advice: Where Couples Met · Flirting · How to Write a Personal Ad · Dating · Sex · Becoming a Couple · Conflict In Relationships
Personality Types: Emotional Control Systems · Zeus-Hera · Poseidon-Athena · Apollo-Artemis · Hermes-Hestia · Ares-Hephaestus-Aphrodite · Dionysus-Demeter · Hades-Persephone
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