From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Aug 27 16:46:19 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6p2/8.11.6/IUCS_2.50) id h7RLJet04119; Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:19:40 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:19:40 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200308272119.h7RLJet04119@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1333 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1333 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1333 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 16:19:28 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1333 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1328 58 votes 25lq4 4fob4 17gp9 7ih97 5ege9 6agfb 7ifc6 5aeja 37jja 05lie 1328 3.3 mean 3.4 2.9 3.6 2.8 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.3 3.4 3.7 --- 1333-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If music be the food of love, play on. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One of the more erudite things to say if the three } bean salad starts acting up on you. --- 1333-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --------------010303040007010502040304 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > > > > But technically, aren't all messages (or at least their headers) > MIME-encoded? > > > > --------------010303040007010502040304-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, only those that are MIME encoded are MIME encoded. Duh. } } You owe the Oracle a better question, wrapped in less HTML. } -- } } Hm...that was too easy... There must be a hidden message in there. But } what could it be? } } [ Orrie listens carefully, but hears nothing. He then slaps his } forehead. ] } } Of course! It's a MIME. Okay, if you don't want to ask your question, } how about pantomiming it to me. } } [ Orrie shudders as he watches. The performance is excruciating, } especially when the MIME begins it over again, this time adding strange } tags all over. ] } } Okay. I think I got it: you're asking, "Why am I trapped in this glass } box, right?" } } [ The MIME nods. The MIME makes a lot of meaningless gestures, nods } again, and then makes a lot more meaningless gestures. ] } } Couldn't be simpler: You're trapped in there as a favor to me from God. } } [ Orrie walks away, leaving the MIME pounding futilely on empty air. ] --- 1333-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > why do clocks move clockwise instead of counterclockwise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Clocks move clockwise because that's the definition of the word. It's } like asking "why is everyone's left hand (if they have hands) on their } left side?" If clocks moved widdershins instead of deasil (or } sunwise), then we'd call widdershins "clockwise." } } To answer the question you mean to ask: the first clocks were sundials, } and the shadow on a sundial always moves in a deasil direction. } Mechanical clocks were built to imitate sundials. } } Why people insist on using the Babylonian habit of dividing the day } into multiples of six is a far more interesting question. } } You owe the Oracle a minute of your time, saved in a bottle. --- 1333-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where is spain And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Let's see now: } } * No grovel. That's bad. } * No capitalization. That's also bad, but to be expected. } * No punctuation. Bad, too; again, also to be expected. } } However, The Oracle is in a very rare magnanimous mood } this evening, and shall deign to answer this pathetic } excuse of a Question. In fact, We shall provide several } answers, among which thou art free to choose: } } * Just south of Andorra. } * Where the rain falls mainly on the plain. } * Follow the bulls. } * Just north of the Strait of Gibraltar. } * Where Spaniards live. } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing. Seeing as how I just } informed Inigo Montoya that YOU are the six-fingered man, } I almost feel sorry for you. } } Almost. --- 1333-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > Why is Pokey the Penguin so funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is he? Let's find out: } } ------------------------------- } } [ On a floe near you, we join Pokey the Penguin in the middle } of his routine. ] } } Pokey: Because they live on cold-e-sacks! } } [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ] } } Pokey: Okay, how about this one? Why don't penguins vacation } in Gwynedd? Because they have a fear of being in Wales! } } [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ] } } Pokey: Anyone out there have a birthday? Good you do sir, } let's all sing "Freeze a jolly good penguin, Freeze } a jolly. . . Rough crowd. Okay, What's black } and white and read all over the Internet? Yes, it's } http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/digest.cgi?N=1329#1329-10 } } [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ] } } Pokey: Come on people there's more than those two same } old jokes on Earth! } } [ Crowd of penguins stare at him. ] } } Pokey: Okay. This penguin is driving his wife around in his } car in the desert when the oil light comes on.... } } [ Crowd of penguins stand and cheer. ] } } --------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle some ice cream, a seal and one of the } seven dwarves. --- 1333-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Excellent and Most Lamentable Text Adventure > of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark > By William Shakespeare > Been Much Play'd to Great Amusement And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in a room. } > look room. } The room is small and round. There's a door in the wall } leading west and a staircase leading down. } > go west. } You are on a terrace. } > look } There are walls around the terrance and two guards. And } a ghost. } > look ghost } The ghost is a transparent sort of white. It looks like } your late father. } > Hi Dad! } I don't recognize that command. } > say hi. } Nothing happens. } > touch ghost. } Your hand moves through the ghost. It feels slightly cold } but nothing happens. } > look ghost. } The ghost is a transparent sort of white. It looks like } it is talking. } > listen. } You hear a faint voice, saying: "Careful Hamlet! The new } king is after you! He killed me to become king. And your } Mother won't help you!". } > as if she ever did. } I don't recognize that command. } > never mind. } I don't recognize that command. } > go door } You are in a room. } > go down } You are in a great hall. } > look hall } It's huge, with carpents hung on the walls. } > go wall } I can't do that. } > go carpet } I can't do that. } You hear footsteps. Someone is coming to the hall. } > hide } I don't know where or what to hide. } > hide carpet } I don't know where to hide the carpet. } > hide me } I don't know where to hide me. } > hide behind carpet } You are behind the carpet. It's dark and very smelly. } Someone has just entered the room. } > look room } You can't do that. } > look carpet } It's to dark to do that. } > Oh for christ's sake! } I don't recognize that command. } > cheat soxucavonome } I don't recognize that command. } > say "soxucavonome" } Cheat code accepted. } You are on a graveyard. Standing next to you is Horatio. } > look graveyard } You see lots of graves. Right next to you is an open one. } > looke open grave. } You see a skull. } > take skull } You have taken the skull. } > look skull } It looks familiar. } > say "Poor Yorick..." } The skull doesn't respond. } > say "I knew him well Horatio!" } Horatio doesn't respond. } > drop skull } You have dropped it. } > go west } You can't. An open grave is in the way. } > go east } You can't. Horatio is in the way. } > Oh f***! } I don't recognize that command. } > say "matikanolino" } Cheat code accepted. } You are in a great hall. I front of you stands the king, } holding a cup. Next to him stands the queen. } > say "Hi mom!" } Nothing happens. } > hit king } The king averts your punch. } > look cup } It's a beautiful silver cup. } > take cup } You have taken the cup. The king and the queen return } to their thrones at the rear of the hall. } > look cup } It's filled with a dark, frothy liquid. } > what the hell. } I don't recognize that command. } > drink } I don't know what to drink. } > drink cup } The liquid tastes sweet, with a hint of bitterness. } > say "more!" } Nothing happens. } > drop cup } You have dropped the cup. } You feel dizzy. } > go throne } You stagger forward. } You feel dizzy. } You fall down in front of the steps. } > hit king } You are to weak to do that. } Your arms and legs twitch, then stop. } You are dead. } > exit } Your score is 89. } You have captured: nothing } You have won no fights. } You have won no hearts. } Try again (Y|N)? } > N } Game ended. } } You owe the Oracle the Dungeons & Dragons set to } James Joyce's "Ulysses". --- 1333-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows a good grovel when he sees one, please > relieve me of my confusion. > > I own a lot of books, and the more popular ones are rarely on the > bookshelf. I've noticed this phenomenon, however, and it puzzles me. > Some books can be left out on a table, desk, chair, what have you, and > nothing happens to them. Others, however, curl up. There doesn't seem > to be any correlation between price and curling. Why do some of my > paperbacks curl while others do not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood: Curls. } Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley: Does not curl. } } Neuromancer, by William Gibson: Curls. } Snow Crash, by Neal Stephenson: Does not curl. } } Field of Dreams, by W. P. Kinsella: Curls. } Summerland, by Michael Chabon: Does not curl. } } Understanding Media, by Marshall McLuhan: Curls. } Being Digital, by Nicholas Negroponte: Does not curl. } } They're all Canadian. Of course they're into curling. } } You owe the Oracle some books that he can beat at quoits. --- 1333-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise and perceptive Oracle, it is an honor to be able > to have my lowly question pondered by you, > > Is there [deleted for your safety] on Mars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, you [deleted for decency] sack of [deleted for your decency]. } } There is [deleted for my safety] on Mars, and there will always be } until [deleted for humorous effect] comes to claim it. But don't } worry, that won't be until [deleted for security reasons] after George } Bush vows to [deleted to protect Mr. Bush's character] with the } [deleted for decency] and the [deleted for dececy] under the [deleted } to protect Mr. Bush's character]. But don't worry, you can get the } [deleted for my safety] from Mars if you hurry. } } You owe the Oracle a [deleted for my safety] that I can use to [deleted } for decency] you on the [deleted for reasons of National Security]. --- 1333-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! What on earth happened here? Are you all right? Should I call > an ambulance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The International Community stood up slowly. "No," it coughed. "We're } fine. I just can't believe what that maniac did. Someone should take } away his license to govern." --- 1333-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! Hey Orrie! You'll never guess what I'm going to ask you. > ... > > Um. Why don't you guess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll be glad to! And can you guess what I'm going to guess? } } Of course you can, because I'm infallible. So you know I'll guess right } first time out. That's not a lot of fun though, is it? So instead, } here's my evil twin, the Internet Notacle, and he's going to ask you to } guess what he guesses you're going to ask me. You'll never guess what } he guesses! } } I'm not your evil twin. } } It's just a figure of speech. } } I don't even know you. We've never met before. } } Then explain what you're doing living in my temple. } } This isn't your temple, it's my temple. You're a burglar. I'm } calling the police. } } Nottie, we haven't got time for this... } } We have too! We're immortal. If I sat here flicking my lips going } beable, beable for the next three millennia, we'd have more than } enough time for it. } } Yes, all right, but my supplicant wouldn't. So why don't you-- } } That's not your supplicant, it's my supplicant. You don't have } supplicants. Nobody'd come to grovel abjectly and obsequiously } before an all-time, top of the range mega-loser like you. Me, on } the other hand-- } } Nottie, don't make me hurt you again. } } ... } } Good. Now, ask the supplicant to guess what you guess he's going to ask } me. } } ...Ask me. } } Oh, very well! What he's going to ask you. } } No way. He hasn't grovelled yet. } } Excuse us a moment, supplicant. } } Hey, what're you...? Get away from me. Aaahh! AAARGGGH! OW, } OW, stop it, OW! All right, all right, I'll ask him! } } I knew you'd see sense in the end. } } Stupid supplicant, guess what I guess you're going to ask my } stinky big bully of a brother, who's the ickiest pooh in all the } known multiverse and some others besides. } } Eloquently if ungraciously put. Well, supplicant? Can you guess what } the infinitely perverse Internet Notacle guesses your question to me } might be? Go on, I'll give you three tries. No, chickens don't enter } into it. Shush, Nottie! Neither does true love. Ha, ha! Not so easy, is } it? Nottie, be quiet, you've had your turn. One more try, supplicant. } Disfiguring skin complaints? Hah, that's the worst yet! Not by a mile! } } Don't feel too bad, supplicant. Even the Oracle, who sees the little } sparrow fall and knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, can't } figure out what my idiot brother is going to say next half the time. I } think it's a quantum mechanical, Schroedinger's cat sort of thing. Just } be thankful we didn't get a visit from my other twin, the Internet } Andacle-- } } He's even stinkier than you! } } --or you really would have got a dose of Boole's Revenge. And, just to } show you there's no hard feelings, the answer to the question you were } actually going to ask me is: about an ell. } } You owe the Oracle an only childhood. } } Out of idle curiosity, Nottie, what did you guess that supplicant was } going to ask me? } } I guessed he was going to ask: where can a chicken with a } disfiguring skin complaint find true love? I did, I swear it! Get } away! Ow, ow, OW! Rotter! AAAaahhHHHHHH!