From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jun 24 13:02:17 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g5OHbnn06692; Mon, 24 Jun 2002 12:37:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 12:37:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200206241737.g5OHbnn06692@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1269 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1269 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1269 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 12:37:36 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1269 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1264 56 votes 7def7 9lh81 37ji9 8hgc3 3clf5 57kdb 9egf2 37kga 2asd3 3a9ld 1264 3.1 mean 3.0 2.5 3.4 2.7 3.1 3.3 2.8 3.4 3.1 3.6 --- 1269-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now it's your turn to s*ck my t*ts! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Things Farmers tell Cows, the Darker Side of the Dairy World. } Film at eleven. --- 1269-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: >
Oh masterful Oracle, oh most > powerful and great knower of all "things" that should be > "known"...
 
>
I received an email the other day telling me I had won some > wonderful prizes for a contest I never entered.  The next day I > received three more telling me how to get free porn.  I don't know > these people sending me the emails.  Can you tell me where these > emails keep coming from?

Chat with friends > online, try MSN Messenger: href='http://g.msn.com/1HM505401/43'>Click Here
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, they come from } spamsters. Chat with friends offline, try } Frontporch. --- 1269-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Cheerful, > > Where is the second happiest place on Earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why only stop with the second happiest place? I'll give you the top } ten happiest places on Earth, in reverse order: } } 10) The Tau Epsilon Phi party after the little sisters get } drunk/stoned. } } 9) The dwelling place of any Jehovah's Witness after they get some } person to actually *READ* the Watchtower. } } 8) Stephen Wolfram's workshop when he realized people would actually } pay $50 for a picture book they believed contained actual scientific } insight. } } 7) The White House when George W. Bush was given secret photographs } proving that Osama Bin Laden is really a cross-dresser and an ardent } gay-rights activist. } } 6) The backseat of Bill Gates' car when he discovers sexual intercourse } for the first time. (Should happen within the next 4 years, but } I don't wish to give the specific date. Even billionaires deserve } *SOME* privacy) } } 5) The Rev. Jerry Falwell's church after he was told that Evolution } is no considered a suitable topic for discussion in Guatemala's public } school system. } } 4) Hillary Clinton's bedroom after she realized someone else was } giving her husband sexual favors and she no longer was required to. } } 3) The Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, and FUBU corporate offices upon finding } that the general public would part with hard-earned money in order } to wear advertising for corporate giants who no longer had to pay } well-established media outlets for the same exposure. } } 2) The CPA offices at Arthur Andersen when the additional shredding } machines were found in the attic. } } And number one on the list: } } 1) The bedroom of the Internet Oracle when Lisa gets in her cowgirl } mood and rides the bucking bronco to the... Oops, maybe you don't } need to know all that. } } You owe the Oracle a... Aww, forget it. Who could ask for more? --- 1269-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, who can differntiate extraordinarily > complex functions in his head while answering the most > difficult queries mortal minds can come up with and still > with all 1600 chess games thou art playing in thy head at > the same time, > > Why does my dictionary say sharks are fish and not mammals? > Is having live young, rudimentary hair and being warm- > blooded not count for anything anymore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } You can't say -all- sharks are warmblooded just because one } group of them, the Mako is a bit odd. The Mako sharks due } to circulatory oddities keep some parts of their body warm } (the intestinal valve and stomach ), but not other parts -- } like the brain and heart and lungs and everything that isn't } an intestinal valve or a stomach! } } Plus not all sharks give live birth, some sharks lay eggs. } } And who knows where you got the idea that sharks have hair } from... oh.. wait a minute. } } The Oracle took you too literally there. Yes, it is true } that -technically- lawyers are mammals. } } You owe the Oracle a cease and deist order with fries. --- 1269-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Imposing Oracle who can pull strings and get things done, > > Should I run off to Alaska now that my wife has left me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unless you name is Ben Johnson, Wilma Rudolph, Bill Rodgers, or Emil } Zatopek, you should probably fly. Remember that Alaska is 90% men, 8% } women, and 2% sled dogs. If this appeals to you, go for it. --- 1269-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please help me again improve my spellling and grammer the > last time didnt work good. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first, if you're going to improve your grammer, don't you think } you should ask your gramper first? He might like her the way she is! } } With regard to your spellling, I reallly can't seee any diffficulty. } You apppeal for succcor from a dilemmma I cannnot apppreciate. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubery. --- 1269-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How do you communicate with a fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Drop it a line. --- 1269-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Do guests beds hate the other beds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Hate' is too strong a word. It's more like they envy the other beds. } The regular beds get changed more often, warmed up with people sleeping } in them, and often enough it sounds like the husband and the missus } are having a little party in those beds. } } But you know what they say: "The sheets always seem less stained on } the other side." } } You owe the Oracle a pillow fight. --- 1269-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that carrots will let you see in the dark? I need > to see in the dark so I can check up on my husband. I think > he's doing things in the dark. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, carrots will help you see in the dark. Simply gather the } following items: } } - One large carrot (raw) } - One hamster wheel } - One rodent (*) } - Large thin elastic band } - One bicycle dynamo } - Two lengths of plastic coated wire } - One low-voltage light bulb } } And assemble according to the diagram below: } } ========= Wheel \ _ } Elastic // \ /\\+ rodent \||/ \ } band __--// \ / \\ / \/ } \ __-- // \ / \\ / \ } __-- ||______ o_______|| |- | } / \ || \ __/_\_O O || | -| Carrot } /\__/____ \\ \/ / \ oo // | | lure } / \ --__\\ \/____/\>o The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most spell bounding, your advice is constantly rated > Best Tutelage on the `Net, and of this you should be proud, > > How does the CIA differ from some wash women gossiping as they work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With the wash women something at least comes out clean and wearable } in public. } } You owe the Oracle some dry-cleaned togas.