From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Apr 3 07:57:59 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id HAA10582; Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:25:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:25:20 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200004031225.HAA10582@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1157 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1157 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1157 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:25:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1157 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1152 72 votes 9nne3 idbic 1dzj4 ijdca agre5 ddji9 bnhh4 aso91 1hpn6 cohe5 1152 2.8 mean 2.7 2.9 3.2 2.7 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.5 3.2 2.7 --- 1157-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you think about Slovakia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I love Slovakia. It tastes like chicken. } } Waiter, czech please! --- 1157-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, > > I've been fighting with M$ Outlook all day ... I've just one question. > Is this message in plain text? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a multi-part joke in MIME format. } } ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180 } Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } } Looks fine to me, supplicant! } } ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180 } Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" } Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } } } } } } } } }

You owe the Oracle some black= } leotards and a box of face paints.=20 }

} } ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180-- --- 1157-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To be or not to be, that is the question. > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, poor Hotmail. I knew it, Yahootio, a mailer of } miniscule cost, of most excellent advertising. It } hath borne me upon its backbone a thousand .mp3s. And } now, how abhorred in the Microsoft Network it is! My } disks spin at it. Here hung that send button I have } prematurely press'd I know not how oft. Where be your } routers now, your servers, your surges of power that } were wont to set the net back a few days? Not one now } to advertise your own service? Quite sig-adding? } Now, get you to Sir Gates's chamber and Instant } Message him, let him code a gigabyte thick, to this } message t'will attach. Make him whine at that. } } Prithee, Yahootio, tell me one thing. } } __________________________________________________ } Do You Yahoo!? } Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger. } http://im.yahoo.com --- 1157-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just a word of warning before we begin: > If the response to this question is less then ten lines, I will > resubmit. If the response to this question consists of random garbage, > I will resubmit. > If the response to this question points out that "this question > was already in the digests," I will resubmit. > If the response to this question contains a ZOT, (although not > necessarily the word ZOT) I will resubmit. > If the response to this question contains MIME headers, I will > resubmit. If the response to this question quotes the entire question, > unless you are making a point by point response, I will resubmit. > If the response to this question makes an in-joke the punchline, I will > resubmit. > In other words, if the response to this question is annoying in any > way, I will resubmit. > > Okay, now that I've stated my standards, my question is: > > Do you have the time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The response to this question calls you a demanding pissant, and then } says "not for you". } } You owe the Oracle a refund of the time spent reading your, ahem, } "supplication". --- 1157-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* } } Look carefully supplicant. Down there, that thing next to your mouse, } kind of rectangular? That's called a "keyboard." If you look } carefully at it, you'll see squarish things with funny squiggles on } them. Those are called "keys" and the squiggles are letters and } numbers. By pressing them in advantageous combinations, you can use } them to form words. The words can then be used to form grovels, } self-abasement and actual *questions* to the Oracle. } } Go ahead, try it! You'll be surprised just how easy this business of } using the keys to form words (we in the field call it "writing") can } be. } } You owe the Oracle a 7 page essay on why null questions are a waste of } the Oracle's time. --- 1157-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Timely Oracle, > > Why are the British so proud of Big Ben? Is having a big clock > really all that important? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Time for a quick history lesson supplicants... } } In the early 20th Century an emboldened Switzerland was perched } on the edge of European domination after developing more addictive } alcohol filled chocolate treats that it peddled to the French } and flooded the German market with low cost Leiderhosen that left } little to the imagination and kept the embarrassed male population } at home crying in their beer ("but momma my leiderhosen, it is so } tight"). } } Only England stood against the Swiss (Italy had already rolled over } and sworn allegiance to the Swiss Empororer 'cause, well that's } what Italy does when the pressure is put on it). Faced with an } influx of reliable and cheap timepieces the British Parliament with } the help of Sherlocke Holmes quickly realized something was afoot. } The Swiss had cleverly used a set of variable size cogs in their } watches that over time would cause each and every watch to be } slightly out of synchronization with the correct time and England } would be paralyzed as citizens fell into an endless loop of asking } 'what time is it governor?' and 'tis it tea time governess?'. To } advert the crisis Lord Cromwell quickly constructed Big Ben so using } inexpensive and reliable clock parts from China so that the populance } of London would always know what time it was. } } Later attempts by the Swiss to take over England by introducing ski } jumping were staved off with success (for the most part) and the little } country of bankers quickly faded into economic obscurity. } } So you see supplicant, that's why Swiss chocolate is uniformly } despised, their watches are laughed at as unreliable and shoddy } compared to those made in China and everybody laughs at big men } in Leiderhosen. Oh, and that's why Big Ben is so important. It once } saved England from being conquered and later, during World War II, } it told Britian when it was time to kick the krauts butts all the } way back to Berlin. } } You owe the Oracle the complete collection of Mr. Peabody } adventures... except that one episode where Bullwinkle and Rocky } appeared as Robin Hood and his merry man. That was so, not historical } accurate. --- 1157-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I suddenly realized, to my horror, what happened > to Wally Cleaver (from the old TV show "Leave it to Beaver") when he > grew up. > > He's holding down a so-called job in "Dilbert". > > So whatever happened to the Beaver? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's holding down an entry-level service industry position in } a fast paced and career oriented market. An expert in voice } activated wireless order transmission devices with experience } working with the most advanced hot oil to metal sheet cooling } area transfer equipment, he's quickly taking the work place by } storm while maintaining a comfortable 38 hour work week that } allows him not to be constrained by the benefits available to } full-time employees in his profession. Wearing a smart and } daring choice of company apparel, he can be found making split } second mathematical calculations while maintaining his } hallmark smile. } } Would you like fries with that answer, sir? --- 1157-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most melodious Oracle, whose intervals are always perfect, who has more > rock than a mountain and more roll than a town full of bakeries, please > bestow your knowlegde upon this humble supplicant. What exactly was > Bono looking for, and has he found it yet? I await your reply with > baited breath! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, I don't care how fresh your breath is and I don't think } the fish will either. Second, Bono's looked for a number of things over } his life with various degrees of success and third, oh great, now you } got me counting stuff... } } Top 10 Things Bono Has Looked For And Search Status } } 10. Spare change for a comic book (age 7). Found behind couch cushion } and in bowl beside smelly man passed out in front of liquor store. } } 9. Hook at back of Tammy's bra (age 14). Found along with a half dozen } kleenex stuffed in each cup. } } 8. Keys to parent's second car (age 18). Found along with the knowledge } that certain drinks shouldn't be mixed and things you find funny when } you are drunk are generally not the things that the police will find } funny. } } 7. Phone number for girl at bar (age 21). The jury is out on this... } found the phone number but it turned out to be for a suicide hot line. } } 6. Toilet (age 23). Needed after forgetting earlier lesson about not } mixing certain drinks. Not found. Results unpleasant. } } 5. Family Cat (age 9, thought we were going chronologically didn't } you?). Found but only when the cat wanted to be found. } } 4. Favorite coffee cup after moving to new house (age 30). Found but } handle broken. Stupid movers. } } 3. Lowest prices (age 22). Again, the jury is out on this... found some } pretty low prices on socks and underwear but probably not the lowest. } Priests continue to search through flyers to find answer. } } 2. Love (various ages). Not found due to continually searching in all } the wrong places. } } And the number one answer, and the most important thing Bono has been } looking for all his life... } } 1. } } Umm... I was pretty sure the answer was here a minute ago. Give me a } second to find it. } } Hey, is it just my imagination or does your breath smell like a cool } winter's breeze? --- 1157-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient and all-powerful Oracle, answer me a question > which has slain my mind for many years. I lay before you > my offering, consisting of scores of goats, dozens of cattle, > and a few pigeons. > > I was digging through my Tub-O-Legos[tm] the other day, attempting > to build a mighty-fine fort for my Hoards of Loyal Lego Men[tm][sm], > who will most likely suffer great losses at the hands of my vicious > fleet of death space ships (who's pilots are equipped with swords -- > like the ones that came in the mideval legos), and I noticed something > quite perplexing. How come when I need a 2x1 brick, I can never find > it -- but if I'm looking for a 2x4 brick, I find 2x1 bricks all over > the place! This happens with nearly every piece! Is there any way > that I can summon the Lego Gods to allow the right pieces to lay > themselves before my eyes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heh. Heehehehe. Oh, this is a good one. } } Sorry, supplicant, I know it's not nice to laugh, but really ... } I think you'll see the humor. } } See, there you are, thinking you're the Job of the Lego-Gods, } thwarted mercilessly at every turn as you endeavor to build your } impervious fort. } } When in fact, dear supplicant ... dear, *dear* supplicant ... of } all the Lego-Gods' subjects, you are for some inexplicable reason } the most beloved. They adore you. They must be near you, and they } shower you with Legos at every opportunity. } } You think it's a coincidence that you ran into those sales last } Saturday at Kay-Bee? That Legos mysteriously lurk in your bedding, } only coming to your attention with the occasional "OW" in the night? } } Other people buy a Tub-O-Legos, play with it a few times, and then } if it ever occurs to them to wonder why so many seem to be missing, } they just figure they must just be under the couch. They are -- } under yours. Have you looked under there? It's swarming with Lego } bricks that have made the pilgrimage just to be close to you. } } So, (heheh) you're asking yourself, if the Lego-Gods love me so much, } why do they keep giving me the wrong freaking bricks? } } Oh, this is the good part. } } They *aren't*!! Who taught you to build a fort, anyway? Escher? } Lo, for the past many years Lego-Gods have been maneuvering your hand } to *exactly* the right Lego brick for the given task, let's say a } 2x4 brick quivering in joyful anticipation of being touched by you, } being fulfilled in its life's ambition of being placed by you into one } of your (heheh) masterpieces of construction ... and then you pass } your hand right over it and grab a lowly 2x1 that's buried beneath } its Lego brethren! } } Do you realize (heheh) how many Lego prophets you have annointed } this way? That every brick you stubbornly select in your seemingly } endless quest to construct the most improbable fort ever made is } hereafter (HEEheheh) looked upon as a saint by its peers? That the } bricks you pass over -- the bricks which would, by the way, build you } an award-winning, world-calibre fort-to-end-all-forts -- are ever after } (HAAAhaheheheh) shunned and condemned to a musty life in exile under } the sofa cushions? } } Oh, *wiping eyes* my sides ache. } } You owe the Oracle the blueprints to that stockade you built for } the Lego cowboys & Indians battle. A few other deities and I have } a wager on exactly how many laws of physics it violates. --- 1157-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, please tell me: > > What happens if I don't test my code? I'm a pretty decent programmer, > I'm inclined to just ship the bastard. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A bastard named, a bastard it will be. } } You see, while you may think you've done a pretty good job of compiling } and editing your own code, a program needs to be coddled, needs to be } loved and made to show what it is truly made of in every way shape and } form... } } Okay, basically, I'm trying to tell you that your program's a slut, and } it wants to go around to each of the beta testers and blow their minds } before it heads off into the world to make its fortune. } } You owe the Oracle three months in testing.