From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 14 07:59:47 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id HAA27683; Tue, 14 Oct 1997 07:59:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 07:59:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199710141259.HAA27683@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #950 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 950 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #950 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 07:59:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 950 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 945 86 votes 6gCi8 6iur5 7kxj7 4rsgb 7jxfc ahjlj 6hpt9 3kDj5 6txe4 3gDj9 945 3.1 mean 3.1 3.1 3.0 3.0 3.1 3.3 3.2 3.0 2.8 3.2 --- 950-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose souffles never fall, who knows how > many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, please tell > me: > How old are you? I was under the impression that your omnipotence has > guided many throughout the centuries, but Digest #949 informed me that > you are a mere eight years old! I find it difficult to believe that my > car is older than you, so could you clear up the confusion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've been around much longer than the internet, that's for sure! I } wasn't always the Internet Oracle, you know. Before that I was the } Postal Oracle, and a while before that the Pony Express Oracle. In } fact, just looking at my resume you can trace me back past Smoke Signal } Oracle, Word Of Mouth oracle, and Throw Carved Slab Of Stone In Ocean } And Wait For Response Oracle. The truth is, I'm much older than your } car, sonny Jim, and I've still got my original teeth! --- 950-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: >

  SIZE=3>"PLEASE DO NOT REPLY
> REMOVE"
>
> LEARN HOW TO START A BUSINESS 
 A Business is built
> with your efforts and
> hard labour. The first and most important is advertisement, because
> without that you have no
> business. Second, you have to be willing to take that chance. Everyone
> is afraid of being beat,
> even myself. What I have learned throughout the years of operating a
> business is that "Nothing
> is Free". Sometimes you may wonder why some businesses are successful
> and some are not. The
> reason is that; the successful businesses took that chance. So my
> advice to you is, if you are the
> one that is afraid to take a chance to make your business successful,
> do not participate in this
> one time offer. I have put together this unique plan that does not
> require no special skills. All
> for only $10.00 and it's 100% guaranteed. I am offering 100,000 E-MAIL
> ADDRESSES (ALL CURRENT
> LISTING) along with ! The Mass Mailer Demo that would let you send your
> 100,000 E-mail Addresses
> out (NO SPECIAL SOFTWARE REQUIRED). ALL FOR ONLY $10.00. 100%
> Guaranteed. The reason why this
> is so low-priced is that I want you to be able to take that chance. I
> strongly believed that you
> have to invest to see how prosperous your return could be. So, if you
> want to advertise your
> business through the internet exchange, start with only $10.00. Order
> now and save, it's an
> offer that you want regret. Make CHECK or MONEY ORDER payable to:
> EDWARD
> MUENSTRE 3131 MOCKINGBIRD ROAD. SARASOTA, FL FOR FASTER
> SERVICE SEND $10.00 CASH OR
> MONEY ORDER!!!! YOUR PRODUCT WILL BE SEND VIA E-MAIL, SO PLEASE INCLUDE
> ALL INFORMATION.
>
> TITLE 18 SECTIONS 1302 AND 1341 SPECIFICALLY STATES: "PRODUCTS OR
> SERVICES MUST BE EXCHANGED
> FOR MONEY RECIEVED."
>
>   COLOR="#000000"
> BACK="#FFFFFF" SIZE=3>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In-class Essay #3 } 10 October 1997 } Oracular Studies 310: Oracular Technical Communications } Graded by TA #: 007 } Graded by TA Name: Zadoc Worm } } FORM (15 points possible) } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay has accurate spelling and grammar throughout. } ^ } Comments: Generally okay, but far too many idiosyncracies in an } essay for a class at this level, such as "recieved," } "an offer that you want regret," (even Freudian slips } are unacceptable), "does not require no special } skills." In addition, Silly British Spellings, such as } "labour," are maintained throughout. You really need } work in this area; a 2 in this category is inexcusable. } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay is neat and easy to read. } ^ } Comments: Unacceptable. The margins are all over the place. } There is flagrant over-use of capital letters. } Exclamation points are also abused. In addition, } there are several irrelevant and obscure markings on } the page (e.g. ). Your last two essays were much } better in this regard. What happened? } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay meets all the requirements of the assignment. } ^ } Comments: I realize that you were pressed for time, this being an } in-class essay and all, but you could have done } better. On the very first line of your assignment } sheet you'll note that it requests "a five paragraph } essay, with a clear introduction, body, and } conclusion." While you made some efforts at } conclusion, and "five paragraph" is probably too } constrictive of a requirement, a one-paragraph essay is } really inadequate. } } CONTENT (30 points possible) } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay has a gripping opening and summarizing } ^ conclusion. } Comments: Probably your weakest contentual areas. Even ignoring } those irrelevant and almost surrealistic asides which } are concentrated most heavily at either end of the } paper, a sentence (well, a fragment, really) like } "Learn how to start a business" is not a very } compelling opener. Perhaps a more narrative } introduction, featuring the reader wallowing in his or } her new-found wealth after following the techniques } outlined in the essay, would be more effective. Also, } the closing section, where the conclusion would } presumably be located, discusses "Title 18," which is } not referred to in the body of the work at all--this } clearly does not fulfill the requirement for a } "summarizing conclusion." } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay has a clear thesis, which is stated concisely in } 6 7 8 9 10 the introduction of the work and restated in the } ^ conclusion. } Comments: This is problematic. I do not want to deduct any more } points for things you were penalized for elsewhere. } However, your lack of a clear introduction and definite } conclusion make this a difficult area to grade. I } don't think your thesis ever *is* stated, but that may } only be a function of your formal difficulties. } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The essay's arguments are intrinsically strong. } ^ } Comments: Again, other faults of the essay make this } difficult to grade. Being uncertain as to what your } thesis is, your arguments are difficult to determine. } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 The arguments contained within the essay are thoroughly and } 6 7 8 9 10 logically developed. } ^ } Comments: I'm tempted to give this area an even lower score, but } given what arguments you have, I suppose they're } well-developed. } } GRADER DISCRETION (5 points possible) } } 0 1 2 3 4 5 Miscellaneous components of this essay are satisfactory. } ^ } Comments: Here, I'm going to concentrate on the title. While } "Please Do Not Reply Remove" is creative--I'll give you } a point for that--it has little bearing on the essay. } If this were a creative writing class, I might accept } it (as well as those bizarre ""'s and the like) } as some sort of surrealist commentary on the futility } of man's life. However, in Oracular Communication, } something more concrete and less nonsensical (Is that } supposed to be, "Please Do Not Reply, 'Remove?'") is } required. } } Overall Grade: 23/50 points A A- B+ B B- C+ C C- D+ D D- F } ^ } Comments: This is a very poor essay. Another effort this bad and } I'm afraid that you shall be removed from the Oracle } program and into the Priest/TA/SysAdmin program. And } believe me, you *don't* want that to happen. } } You owe the Oracle a better essay. --- 950-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! > > Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooo! > > Mmoooo mooo moo moo mooooooooo mmmmmmmmmoo moo mooomoo. Mmmmmmmoooooo! > Mmooo! Moooooo moo moo mooo mmmmooo mooo mmoo mmmooooo, mmmmmooo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, well! A cow who knows Morse code. Just goes to show, if you } wait long enough, you'll see everything. Okay, let's translate this } question into regular ASCII. } } T } T } HMS T E BDT T } } Oh well. You got the Morse code OK, but your spelling still leaves a } little to be desired. Nevertheless, that's not bad at all for a cow. } Keep at it--I'm sure you'll be able to master this language thing in } time. } } The answer to your question, though, is no. The daisies on the other } side of the fence actually taste exactly the same as the ones in your } own meadow. Pay no attention to that old goat; he's just trying to } make you envious. } } You owe the Oracle a game of bullhockey. --- 950-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle eruditer than any other, when you answered my question about > cricket (which was brillianter than any other sports answer ever > given, of course) you said that I owed you a little easier question to > explain, like particle physics or the infield fly rule in baseball. > > Particle physics I understand, but baseball has always been an > impenetrable mystery to me; so, would you please explain the infield > fly rule in baseball? As I'm sure one of your omniscience knows, I > know *nothing* about baseball except what I saw in the movie "Rudy." > > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The infield fly rule is actually quite simple. Since the advent of } televised games, only players in the outfield are permitted to scratch } their crotches. } } You owe the Oracle an infield spitting rule. --- 950-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Zadoc lunged for the controls. The Wayback Machine was working all > right, but it wasn't going in the direction he'd planned: Instead of > going backward through time, it was going sideways across the Indiana > University campus. Startled coeds dodged left and right as Zadoc > struggled to master the machine. Then, with a cry of triumph, he > grabbed the "direction" lever and twisted hard, sending the machine to And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the middle of a clearing in a primordial jungle he could never have } imagined. As the machine's fusion power unit bubbled to a halt, Zadoc } looked around slowly, taking in his new surroundings. With a growing } fear, he realized his error in twisting the direction lever so quickly. } His preprogrammed setting for the day before his Biology exam had been } overridden. As his darting eyes found the chronometer, the Biology } answer sheet slipped from his fingers and drifted to the ground, now } useless. Zadoc had transported himself to the year 10,000,000 BC. And } it would be a while before his familiar IU campus would appear on this } spot. } } Desperate now, Zadoc leapt from the machine and dashed around the } clearing. At first he tried thinking, then screaming, and finally } simply panicking. In the end, he collapsed on the mossy ground and } gasped in the humid air with wrenching sobs. } } Then, suddenly, Zadoc was aware that he was being watched. Carefully } he looked up, and his eyes met the small beady eyes of a primitive } rodent. The animal sat motionless, observing Zadoc. Another animal } appeared beside it. As Zadoc watched, rodent after rodent scampered } silently into the clearing, as if waiting for him to do something. } } Uncertainly, Zadoc rose. The animals regarded him coolly. He shouted, } "I am your leader!" A few noses twitched, but the rodents kept their } positions. Zadoc smiled at their acceptance of his rule. Gaining } confidence, he began to march around the clearing. "We will rebuild } the campus!" he shouted. "You, by the ferns, you will cut down trees. } You, by the rocks, will move the timber into the clearing. You, by the } stream, will stack the timber to make a suitable university for me, } your master!" } } Unfortunately, the rodents seemed not to understand English. Zadoc } snorted, then led them in groups and demonstrated their tasks. He } gnawed at a small tree until it toppled over. He carried the tree in } his mouth to the clearing. Then he brought another tree and stacked it } on top of the first. } } Gradually, the rodents understood. First one, then another, followed } Zadoc's lead and began the work he had mandated. Rodents swarmed } around the forest and the clearing, cutting, hauling, and stacking } lumber. Zadoc paced around the growing structures, directing the } construction. "Faster!" he shouted. More and more rodents came to } join the others. Still Zadoc cried, "Faster! Faster!" He showed them } how to fell the trees in half the time. "And don't drag that wood! } Chuck it!" he screamed. "Toss it right over here!" Soon logs were } flying past him at a dizzying pace, the rodents learning rapidly how to } chuck the wood efficiently. } } A smile began to appear on Zadoc's face as he recognized the shapes of } the buildings where he had spent his wretched life. But just as he } began to enjoy the results of the rodents' labor, he sensed a distant } bubbling sound nearby. The sound grew louder and closer until he } realized that another Wayback Machine was materializing right next to } his. His mouth hung open as he watched the second machine coalesce } into solid matter. Finally, he could identify the operator of the } machine as -- Lisa! } } "Hop on, you worm," she said, before he could speak. "Orrie just } finished inventing the two-way machine, and is he ever ticked at you } for making off with the one-way prototype!" } } The rodents had ceased their work when Lisa arrived. It was in } silence, then, that Zadoc trudged to the new machine and swung his leg } over the seat behind Lisa. As she deftly manipulated the controls, he } watched the rodents' expressions. Though his prehistoric campus might } never be complete, he sensed that the skills he had taught the animals } would remain locked away somewhere deep in their DNA, so that even } millions of years from now, the rodents would know how to ... } } "By the way, what in the world were you doing with those animals?" Lisa } asked over the noise of the fusion unit. } } "Um, nothing," said Zadoc. "Nothing at all." } } You owe the Oracle a way to send the staff of Zot back in time. --- 950-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an automated information message from Oracle, Inc. } Your attempted mail delivery has failed due to the following reason(s): } } [ ] Incorrect Email Address } [ ] No/Insulting grovel } [X] No/Stupid question } [ ] Stupid hotmail footer } [ ] Quoted question in answer } [ ] Real name/email in signature } [ ] I just don't like you } } Please remedy the above situation(s) for future mails, which will } ensure the Oracle recieves all mail promptly and properly. Thank you. --- 950-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pants. > Hanson > > that you are ace-er-er than I thought> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O, joy! An opportunity to demonstrate that I am ace-er-er than a } supplicant --- and I use the following term _very_ loosely -- thought. } A supplicant who, it might be pointed out, failed not only to grovel, } but to ask a question, thus managing to score 0 on both style and } content -- a mark seldom accomplished by other than the null question, } which is arguably more creative than the one at hand. Oh, I suppose } there exist some circles in which taking the catch word from The Late } Show's production credits and juxtaposing it with the last word in a } series of mundane commercials which recently innundated US prime-time } broadcast TV is considered clever. Be advised that this is not one } of them. } } Tell ya what, lad. Try this: } } 1,2,3,4,5,__ } } ...if you can fill in the blank, then _you_ are "ace-er-er" than _I_ } thought. You owe the Oracle a question and your undying gratitude } for restraint of ZOT. --- 950-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the driving forces of earthquakes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite weak, I'm afraid. The longest drive ever recorded by an } earthquake was a shot off the tee at the fourth hole of the } Rancho Mirage Country Club in Palm Springs, California, measured } at 27 1/4 inches. } } (With the subsequent aftershocks, the quake managed a 317+ bogey.) } } You owe the Oracle Bob Hope's underwear. --- 950-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ?ssergorp yna ekam ot mees t'nod I taht ti si yhw ,elcarO ythgim hO And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } STEP PETS PETS } } For the "enlightened", that means, "One step forward, two steps back." } (Which also happens to be the normal human condition.) For the } "unenlightened", that means, "Step on both of your pets." } } PETS PETS PETS } } This is you. You are making less ssergorp because your three pets are } eating all the ingredients. I recommend you start stepping on them; } that'll put them in their place. Heh. } } You owe the Oracle a veterinary degree. --- 950-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think I am about to go insane. What do you think, o violet Oracle? > Should I go with the purple or the yuppie-flavored version of insanity, > or simply load my brain with Windoze-95 like the aliens want? > > YOu owE the SUPPlicant an Oracle! yahahahaha! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } ZADOC!!! Here! Now! } } Quick, hold him down! No, don't sit on his head, fool! Sit on his } crotch, he doesn't feel anything anyway. Yeah, right there, that's it. } } OK. Lisa! Brainzotter! Now! Zot him. Zot him good. We'll teach him to } get high and insult me. OK, looks good, everything's in place. Now put } that probe in there, down there. Move over, Zadoc. Just push a little } harder... right. Give me that remote. } } } } Heavens. He's still twitching. Once more... } } ... } } That'll do the job. Let him go, Zadoc. } } Now, Mr. Gates, can you get up? That's it, easy does it. Can you me } tell me your first name? No? That's OK, it'll come back real soon. You } know the name of your company? No I guessed not. Well, you'd better go } home now, don't you think? You don't know where home is? Somebody'll } tell you, I'm sure. You'll be fine. In a century or so. } } Goodbye, Mr. Gates. Mind the windows. } } You owe the Oracle $ 75.000.000.000.